itsa boy atta boy

I was born September 1st 1958 at around 9:00 am approximately nine months after Thanksgiving 1957 so I always figured I was something like a second helping of dessert.

My legal name is James but everyone has always called me Jamie. My father had seen a movie about an elderly Irish gentleman and a young Irish boy named Jamie who went on an odyssey together. The old man kept saying, "Jamie me boy! Jamie me boy!" all throughout the movie and my father was charmed by that. I've never seen the movie. I always knew when my father had some repulsive task for me to do - like rake the leaves or pick up rotten apples under the apple tree - because he always walked through the house calling, "Jamie me boy! Jamie me boy!" when he had something for me to do that he knew I would hate doing.

I went to Walter Miller Elementary School for grades K-6 in Levittown, PA starting the school year 1963/1964 until the school year 1969/1970.

Kindergarten - Mrs. Turnball. I'll never forget the time she stepped over me during naptime and enveloped me for me one brief, horrible moment inside of her long dress.

First grade - Mrs. White. A poised and powerful African-American woman who had just got married. She was Miss Palmer the year before. My strategy with her was to goof off all day instead of doing my class work and then, while she collected everyone's work at the door as they left, I busied myself with various apple-polishing chores like erasing the chalkboard, emptying trash cans, and clapping the chalk erasers... until she was no longer standing at the door. Then I picked up my stuff and slipped out. I don't know how I passed first grade because I don't remember doing much of anything and getting completely away with it.

Second grade - Mrs. Silcox. All I remember about her was thinking that she sounded like a chicken when she spoke.

Third grade - Mr. Hoffman. A veteran, Mr. Hoffman often used military imagery in his daily communication. He nicknamed me "Tommy-gun Thompson" for no reason that I can remember other than he must've had a thing for machine guns. Mr. Hoffman often spoke like a tough-guy. He had a newborn son that year that he referred to as "Big Mike" in a tone of voice that suggested baby Mike was someone to be feared. Mr. Hoffman had a fraternal rivalry going with Mr. Balitsky, the second grade teacher across the hall. They were always practical joking with each other. I remember distinctly the time that Balitsky popped his head into our classroom and threw a snowball at Mr. Hoffman as he was teaching our class. It was a startling departure from protocol for me to see a grown man - a teacher, no less! - do something that likely would've got me expelled if I had done it. Mr. Balitsky was famous for his ability to scream and strike terror into the hearts of kids. I used to hear him scream at his students from across the hall all the time. One time I'll never forget was when I heard him scream, "NO! TWO PLUS TWO ISN'T FIVE YOU IDIOT!! IT'S FOUR!!!" I remember being very happy knowing that I would never have Mr. Balitsky for a teacher. On one occasion several classes got together to watch a TV show. Mr. Balitsky's class was there. I was pretty good at audio stuff even back then and I'll go to my grave saying that the TV wasn't tuned properly to the station that we were watching. The audio was distorted. Back in those days they didn't have fancy digital tuners that automatically optimize the reception like they do now. In those days you had to turn a disc on the mechanical tuner by hand to find the sweet spot where the picture and sound were best. The sound was terrible and it was bothering me. I wanted to march up there and tune the thing but, of course, I couldn't get out of my seat without permission so I raised my hand. I was struck with fear when Mr. Balitsky acknowledged and invited me to speak. I made thoughts known and Mr. Balitsky, looking doubtful and impatient, fiddled with the tuner for a moment in such a way that demonstrated to me that he has no idea whatsoever what he was doing. After failing to change the quality of the audio in any way, he smirked and asked, "How's that?" I said, "It doesn't sound any better." I was about to offer to do it myself when Balitsky shook his head and said, "You need a hearing aid!" That was the end of that!

More to come. Stay tuned!

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